The Impact of Stress and Strain on Relationships

Strain can be placed on a relationship when stressful circumstances affect the couple as a whole, or even just one of the partners. Chronic illness of one person, for example, can impact the well-being of both partners. Many couples struggle with communicating effectively and feeling that they are heard by their partners, as well as differences in parenting, political views, or expectations. Severe stressors includeinfidelity, terminal illness of one partner, and serious mental health issues. Resentment, contempt, and an increase in the frequency of arguments tend to be signs of underlying problems that have been left unaddressed.

Some common relationship concerns include financial difficulties, barriers to communication, routine conflict, emotional distance, sexual intimacy issues, and lack of trust. Sometimes, marriage itself can be the issue at hand for unmarried couple, when one partner wants to marry, or is subject to social or familial pressure to do so, and the other partner is reluctant or feels unready to marry. Couples who are considering marriage may seek premarital counseling for these and other issues.

Therapy for Relationships and Marriage

Couples often seek couples or marriage counseling when relationship problems begin to interfere with daily functioning or when partners are unsure about continuing the relationship. Couples often approach counseling with the expectation that a therapist can help in some way—though they may not know just how they expect the therapist to help. Some couples may want to develop better communication skills, enhance intimacy, or learn to navigate new terrain in their lives. Others may expect the therapist to mediate their arguments, or take sides and declare which partner is right.

Several therapy approaches have been designed for couples in particular, such as Imago Relationship Therapy, but any type of therapy can help with relationship issues. In fact, many people address their relationship problems through individual therapy, and then they apply that learning in context with their partners. In addition, family therapy can benefit families whose children are affected by the tension in their parents’ relationship.

Relationship counselors are unlikely to take sides or recommend that a couple end their relationship. Instead, they will allow the therapy process to unfold naturally without a predetermined goal of “saving” the relationship. Trained therapists help partners by supporting the goals set by the couple and helping each partner to communicate his or her needs, thoughts, and emotions more clearly and to listen to the other partner more carefully.

For relationship counseling to significantly help a relationship, each partner needs to commit, at a minimum, to the relationship counseling for the time it continues. Each partner should demonstrate honesty, an interest in doing relationship work, and a willingness to accept personal accountability. 

When Relationship Problems Point to Abuse

All couples argue sometimes, but when insults, criticism, intimidation, threats, humiliation, or stonewalling become commonplace, the relationship enters the realm of emotional abuse. Signs of emotional or psychological abuse are often more subtle and harder to recognize than those of physical abuse, although the psychological impact of emotional abuse is likely to be as severe as or worse than that of physical abuse.

Healthy boundaries are not present in abusive relationships, and this fact may make the therapy process difficult or impossible, as the safety of each partner is paramount to ensuring positive treatment outcomes. Some therapists will not engage in relationship counseling if violence has occurred, unless and until both partners show tremendous growth in the areas of boundaries and safety.

Case Example of Relationship Conflict

Rachel and Paul, in their 30s, enter counseling because they have been fighting often. Inquiry reveals the fights are verbal and very emotional, but not physical. In sessions, the two are affectionate but anxious, and they make little eye contact with one another. They interrupt one another but don’t seem to mind. They report fighting about “everything” and “stupid things.” Both profess a desire to “make it work.” The therapist approaches the work in several ways. First, he encourages the partners to speak directly to one another, and helps them choose language that is honest and tender. Second, he facilitates the uncovering of patterns of thought, emotion, and action that are not working and offers alternatives. Third, he interprets the family-of-origin issues that may have led to those patterns, enhancing the mutual empathy and understanding between Paul and Rachel.

If successful relationships like love and marriage are a matter of give and take, what things matter most from men and women? Here are five things for each that top the list to create a great relationship! Are you willing to try adding the numbers to arrive at a whole and rewarding 10 together?
What Women Treasure Most in Their Man
1) He is sensitive enough to know that loving you as you are makes a firm statement to everyone who matters to both of you. This means never making disparaging comments to you or anyone else about you, your appearance, your beliefs or your performance as a partner.
2) If he met you after you had children he would never entertain the idea of asking you to choose between him and your children. He makes an extra effort to make all of the family feel secure; not just securing the family home, but secure in his love for the entire family.
3) He is comfortable with your intellectual differences and respects your right to have and defend a different opinion. His responses are gentle and non-judgmental even if he disagrees.
4) He carefully notes your financial position and offers assistance without making you feel small for needing it. He is encouraging about the things you accomplish with the funds you do have access to on your own, and is proud of your ability to assume the responsibility for them.
5) He understands that lying is a form of cheating and would never do either; he showers you with respect as an individual and as his partner.
What Men Love From Their Woman
1. He loves to feel appreciated; voicing your appreciation for his extra efforts makes the excess time he spends earning his income seem worthwhile.
2. He loves feeling like you still find him attractive, masculine and desirable. Men still equate love with sexual desire; letting him know he is desirable means reinforcing the fact that you still love him.
3. He wants to feel like you are proud of his accomplishments and his position, regardless of whether he is a ditch digger or a rock star. Recognize that what he does is not who he is and both are a source of pride for you.
4. Be clear when you want something from him. Don't leave him guessing and then get angry when he did not guess correctly. Men like bullet points in meaningful conversations that clearly state the desired goal; then they understand them. Don't misjudge his intentions without allowing him to explain what he believed you wanted from him.
5. Spend quality time alone with him and be sincere and sensitive about responding to what he says he needs. Allowing your man to always take the back seat in his needs and desires makes him feel unimportant, his opinions unwanted.
There we have it! Five simple things we can incorporate into our relationship; if both partners will make the effort, there's a good chance you will become a perfect ten as a couple!

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